I realize.

After spending the night crying to myself over him. My heart broken; repeating the words "I love HER" in my head. I've come to realize a few things.

1) I'm pathetic. Let's be real here. This guy left me with NOTHING. He fell in "love" with someone else before we even discussed a divorce. He doesn't see his son. What is there to hold on to? The IDEA of a marriage? It's not a marriage if there is no love. And well, he's made it very clear that he doesn't love me. And up until this point, i THOUGHT i love him. But what i really loved..wasn't him at all. Actually, i don't like who he is. I think i didn't like who he was for a very long time. I loved the idea of a family. I loved the idea of being married. I told my mom at a very young age that all i ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. And when i found "the one"..I promised i would never let it go. I tried very hard to keep that promise to myself. Never break a home apart because of silly fights. It's not worth being a single mom for. It's not worth having Kaeden grow up without one of his parents. But, today i realized.... yes, it IS worth it. and i'm breaking my promise to myself.

2) I'm incredibly bitter right now. Everyone keeps telling me that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Man, gotta love that phrase. But the truth is : he WILL have his cake and eat it to! He got what he wanted. He left. He has his freedom and he has his 'love'. ( i will forever put ' love ' in quotations..because honestly, i don't think the man knows what real love is. ) He got what he wanted. He will no longer have to wake up at 8 am on Saturdays to make sure Kaeden didn't poop all over the bed. He no longer has to stay up late and fight with a 2 year old about doing his treatments. He gets to live his free life..and then see his son. No diaper changes, no cooking his dinner, no putting him to bed ; none of those "fatherly" things. In my eyes : he is no longer his father. Just the man that birthed him (lol)..and because he is his son by blood, i must let him see him. I will be the one to do all the hard work. I will raise my son all by myself. I will make all the decisions. And him? He will just show up once a week to play a little, hug and kiss..and carry on his way.

So this leads me to my third realization. I'm the lucky one. He may have his freedom. He may no longer have any responsibilities (so to speak..). I may have to struggle and figure out a way to get this paid for, a home to live in and a way to work. But i'm still the lucky one. I get to wake up every morning to Kaeden William's beautiful smiling face. I get to watch him grow. I get to be there for every new word. I'll be there when he starts school. When he has his first girlfriend. I'll be there when he's sick and when he's sad. I'll be there for ever smile and every hug. What i've gotten out of this all..is that my son and I will have a bond like no other. And with a prize like that after a long journey? I say thank you.

Because when it comes down to it.. I didn't really lose anything but a marriage title. But i gained a relationship with my son that the world should be jealous of!