And so, I cried.

So, the other day..Kaeden and I walked to the store. A man was walking into the store at the same time as us..and Kae ran up to him and said "Dada!". Same thing happened when we were sitting at the computer the next day. He saw a man walking down the street, got excited..and yelled "Daddy!". It absolutely broke my heart. Every man he sees he thinks is his Daddy. I didn't realize he missed him that much. I didn't know that at the age of two, he realized that his Daddy wasn't around. It hurts me so much, knowing what Eric has done to this boy. And so, I cried.

I needed a weekend to myself.. so Kaeden went to my parents. They never had a sleep over with him..so they were very excited! I was too. I was excited to get out and just be ME for a minute. I keep forgetting that i'm not JUST a mother. I'm a person too and I need my time. I left my mothers house and felt good. Felt like I could do anything! Didn't have to worry about packing a diaper bag or fighting with my son in the car. When I got back to my house, after treating myself to a new dress and pair of shoes (which, might I add..were only $22 total!)I sat down on the couch to relax a little before I made plans to go out..and it hit me. I was alone. I didn't realize until then how much I needed my son. Clingy? I suppose. But he is my support. He is my strength. Without my husband.. He is all I have and I missed him. And so, I cried.

I couldn't wait to see my baby boy this morning! I woke up, got dressed quickly, did my best to remove the little hang over that I had.. and I drove as fast as the speed limit would allow. The excitement on his face when I walked through that door warmed my heart. I was overwhelmed with emotion.. Who knew that someone who's only been in my life for 2 years could have such an impact on me!

My Dad wanted to bring Kaeden to church today..and I agreed to go with them. We got there and sat up front. My dad wanted everyone to see his grandson; he was so proud. I sat there with my baby boy on my lap listening to the organ play..and then it hit me... The last time I was here.. I was marrying Eric. Memories of my Daddy walking me down the isle to the man I loved flashed through my head. I blankly stared at the very spot that we stood, holding hands, repeating our vows to each other. I listened to the voice of the Pastor and it took me back to that day : September 15th, 2007. He could see that we were in love. He supported our commitment to one another. I remembered every word at that point. I remember Pastor David hitting me with his bible because I laughed at Eric for not being able to get my wedding band on my swollen pregnant finger. I remember the music that played..and every smiling face that was in the church. My dad tapped me on my shoulder, he knew that something was wrong. He asked me if I was okay, and I said yes.. But he knew that I wasn't. He knew why I was upset. Pastor David knew it too. He saw the sadness on my face and when he said his prayer, I knew that he was thinking of me. And so, I cried.

Finally home after what seemed like a very long weekend. I felt the need to get my emotion out through this here blog today. It was hard being away from my son. It was hard sitting in that church this morning. And now that I'm writing it all out.. I can't believe i'm staying this strong. So many emotions are flowing through me because of all that's happening. I'm having such a hard time. And so, I'm crying.