Why Did This Happen to ME?

For the past week, i've been getting this weird feeling in my stomach. I felt anxious, I felt nervous. I had a hard time eating and sleeping because of it. Because I knew it was coming.. I knew I needed to get some things done. I prayed every night that it wouldn't have to come to this.. but it finally has.

I didn't know that that ONE phone call would be so emotional for me. I mean, nothing has even happened yet. But just the fact that I had to make the call to the Family Court and set up an appointment to apply for child support and custody..just totally broke my heart. But the feeling went away..

I honestly never wanted it to come to this. I wanted to make this work without the use of courts and lawyers. I wanted Kaeden to know that his parents care very deeply for him and would do anything we needed to do to make things work for him..all on our own. Like two adults would. I held up my end of the bargain. His father, or so I'm forced to call him, didn't. Two years ago, I never saw this coming. I never thought that I'd have to fight to keep my son away from Eric. Making that call today was it. That call says : "I'm on my own. I'm doing this by myself". ...I HATE that. I was supposed to be married forever. Kaeden was supposed to always have his Daddy and Mommy together. And just thinking that I lost my dream..it got flushed down the freakin toilet.. really hurts.

Just to top things off.. my eviction notice was posted on my door today. I have a court date set up for February 3, 2010. I have to call tomorrow to beg for emergency housing assistance so I can stay here. I also DESPERATELY need a job..and I need it fast.

I knew this was all coming. You would have thought that I woulda been ready for it. But no amount of preparing would have helped me get through this. I had no idea how badly it would hurt my heart. You know what really kills me? I look at Kaeden's beautiful smiling happy face. He's so happy to be him..and to be here in our home with his Mommy. He just thinks i'm the greatest person on earth. Little does he know..Mommy isn't doing so well. We're about to lose our home, we have no money..and Daddy may try and take him from me. I can't stand the thought of all of this. I just hold him and tell him that i love him, over and over again. I let him know that I will always be here for him..no matter what happens.

I go on Friday to apply for the child support and custody. I'm not much of a church girl. But please, PLEASE pray for us. Pray that things go my way because I DESERVE them. Please pray that I get the money I need to take care of my son the best I can. Please pray we don't get kicked out of our apartment and be left without a home. Please pray that I find a job quickly. Please pray that I stay strong and the best happens for my son and I. That's all we can do right now..

My next few days..weeks..heck, probably months.. are going to be real emotional for me. All I did was make a simple phone call today and I'm a cryin' mess. None of this was supposed to happen!! I shouldn't have to be fighting to keep my son. I shouldn't have to be asking for money from my husband. I shouldn't have to think about child support. He shouldn't have to be arguing with me to see his kid. We got married for a reason. We're supposed to be a family.. We're supposed to work, fight, scream, cry, love, and smile together. We're supposed to get through this. :'(

Why did this happen to me?