you get what you deserve.

So, as the saying goes "You get what you deserve". Can someone please explain to me now, why I deserve this? I've really been okay with things lately. I'm moving on the best that I can. Hell, I even started talking to someone that really rocks my world ;) But as my 2nd court date comes closer.. I'm back to being upset about everything. Not about him as much as the entire situation.

He called me last week because his girl left him. He called ME because he couldn't talk to anyone else. Really? After all these years of trying to get you to open up to me.. NOW you do it? About your GIRLFRIEND? You must be insane. But that's besides the point... He also expressed to me that he realize that the people he hangs out with aren't what's best for him. Again, after all these years? He also realized that he was putting his girlfriend before his son. Not mentally, but physically..and it upset him. It's like every word that was coming out of his mouth was exactly what i'd been looking for all this time. These were the words of the man that I needed. The words of the man that I married. But that all changed..when they got back together. Now, he's back to his carefree, dickhead life style. He's back to being happy again.

Why does he deserve to be happy? He left his family. He broke his promise. He's not living up to his fatherly title. He's breaking mine and our son's heart. So, tell me.. if you get what you deserve.. then why is he happy?


You get what you deserve. Does that mean I don't deserve to be happy? I'm the strong single mother. Cleaning up all the mess that he left behind. This all hit me today.. Why do I have to be the one to deal with this court situation? I have to beg people to watch my son and let me use their car so that I can drive an hour to go clean up HIS mess. I have to go fight and cry and beg to let me stay in my home because my stupid husband left me with absolutely nothing. I have to try my hardest to hold my head high and say that I was forced to apply for welfare because I have absolutely nothing. I have to see my son hurt every time he talks to his father.. because his father doesn't want to be here with him. I deserve this?

I know everyone tells me it takes time. That in the long run.. he will get his and i will end up happier then i've ever been. But that's then. What about now? Why do I have to suffer in the mean time? What if i died tomorrow. I'd die miserable. I'd die poor.. I'd die homeless and without love (not the love of family and friends..but the love of a partner). That's NOT what i deserve. I'm just sick of all this being so unfair..and I know i've said this a million times. It seems to be the theme of all of my feelings. I don't deserve this, this is unfair. But it's true.. and I don't want to feel like this!

I find that i've been less motivated to do things lately. I know theres paper work i need to send out.. I know there's bills i need to write. I know i need to really clean my house.. and start cooking REAL dinners again. I know i need to get out and be with friends..shit, even go on a date. I know i need to get my butt back into life and out of this depression. But it's like..one step forward, 10 steps back. I can't seem to stay happy long enough to be okay with moving forward.

I just wish he got what he deserved.. and not this happy ending. I wish i got what I deserved..and not deal with this misery. It's all crap! Arg.