Why Did This Happen to ME?

For the past week, i've been getting this weird feeling in my stomach. I felt anxious, I felt nervous. I had a hard time eating and sleeping because of it. Because I knew it was coming.. I knew I needed to get some things done. I prayed every night that it wouldn't have to come to this.. but it finally has.

I didn't know that that ONE phone call would be so emotional for me. I mean, nothing has even happened yet. But just the fact that I had to make the call to the Family Court and set up an appointment to apply for child support and custody..just totally broke my heart. But the feeling went away..

I honestly never wanted it to come to this. I wanted to make this work without the use of courts and lawyers. I wanted Kaeden to know that his parents care very deeply for him and would do anything we needed to do to make things work for him..all on our own. Like two adults would. I held up my end of the bargain. His father, or so I'm forced to call him, didn't. Two years ago, I never saw this coming. I never thought that I'd have to fight to keep my son away from Eric. Making that call today was it. That call says : "I'm on my own. I'm doing this by myself". ...I HATE that. I was supposed to be married forever. Kaeden was supposed to always have his Daddy and Mommy together. And just thinking that I lost my dream..it got flushed down the freakin toilet.. really hurts.

Just to top things off.. my eviction notice was posted on my door today. I have a court date set up for February 3, 2010. I have to call tomorrow to beg for emergency housing assistance so I can stay here. I also DESPERATELY need a job..and I need it fast.

I knew this was all coming. You would have thought that I woulda been ready for it. But no amount of preparing would have helped me get through this. I had no idea how badly it would hurt my heart. You know what really kills me? I look at Kaeden's beautiful smiling happy face. He's so happy to be him..and to be here in our home with his Mommy. He just thinks i'm the greatest person on earth. Little does he know..Mommy isn't doing so well. We're about to lose our home, we have no money..and Daddy may try and take him from me. I can't stand the thought of all of this. I just hold him and tell him that i love him, over and over again. I let him know that I will always be here for him..no matter what happens.

I go on Friday to apply for the child support and custody. I'm not much of a church girl. But please, PLEASE pray for us. Pray that things go my way because I DESERVE them. Please pray that I get the money I need to take care of my son the best I can. Please pray we don't get kicked out of our apartment and be left without a home. Please pray that I find a job quickly. Please pray that I stay strong and the best happens for my son and I. That's all we can do right now..

My next few days..weeks..heck, probably months.. are going to be real emotional for me. All I did was make a simple phone call today and I'm a cryin' mess. None of this was supposed to happen!! I shouldn't have to be fighting to keep my son. I shouldn't have to be asking for money from my husband. I shouldn't have to think about child support. He shouldn't have to be arguing with me to see his kid. We got married for a reason. We're supposed to be a family.. We're supposed to work, fight, scream, cry, love, and smile together. We're supposed to get through this. :'(

Why did this happen to me?

You only need in your life the people that want to be there.

I learned a real important lesson from my own father leaving me when I was young : You only need in your life the people that want to be there.

My mom and dad split when I was very young. My mom went off and started her new life without him. Did he try and see me? No. Did he pay his child support? No. Obviously, I wasn't important enough. I finally met this man when I was 20 years old. I was excited to meet the man everyone told me i looked and acted so much like. But when I finally did, I just didn't care. He was never there for me. He chose to not be in my life. Why do I need him? I got this far without him. I grew up with a "Daddy" that loved me..and he was all that I needed. I hope this for Kaeden one day. I hope Eric stays out of his life, because it's quite obvious he doesn't really want to be there. Kaeden only needs in his life..people that WANT to be there for him.

Tonight, Eric was here. I tried to just ignore him and let him play with Kaeden while I got a few things done. But it irritated me when he sat there on his phone texting his trashy whore instead of paying attention to his son. Sure, he played with him for a good long while. But every time that song went off, he grabbed his phone real fast. He made it seem like whatever she had to say was more important than his son at that very moment. At one point, I was in the kitchen making dinner and Kae ran up to him with his play-doh and asked him if he would play with him. My baby was standing right next to him with the bag in his face, and Eric didn't even look at him. It upset me and I couldn't hold it in anymore. My son will NOT be treated like that.

I feel like Eric only wants to be part of Kaeden's life because he knows that I don't want him to. I feel this way because.. he never calls, he doesn't make an effort to be here, and he demands to take him out of this house..with no plans. Just because he feels like he can. Tonight, before I asked him to leave..he said "I'm GOING to take Kaeden on Saturday"..and I quickly said.. "no". Of course, he blew up on me telling me that it's his son too and he can do what he want. So what did I respond with? Act like a father, and you can be his father. Are you here when he wakes up? Do you wash, feed and play with him everyday? Are you there when he cries or when he's hurt? Are you there to tuck him in at night? That's MY son. I take care of him 24/7. I AM THERE FOR HIM. In my eyes, he is not his father.

He walked out the door and told me he wished I were dead. I told him to leave..go home to his trash. Go have another one of her 8 kids. And just to make it hurt a little more..he said he should. He said she's better than me. She works, she's not lazy. Whatever. I'm a better person then either of them will ever be. It hit me then.. That maybe I wasn't a good wife to him. Maybe I was lazy. Maybe I didn't give him what he needed. But you know what? I think it's just because he didn't give it to me in return. I didn't wanna be that wife for him. Because it IS what I crave. I WANT to be a perfect wife for someone. He just wasn't it.

He called me a few minutes later.. Told me that I was wrong for not letting him see his son. I told him that if he had ASKEd instead of demanded it..things could be different. I told him that if he proved to me that he wanted to be part of his son's life..that it would be different. I also told him that if he showed me a little bit of respect, as the mother to his son..that also, things could be different. But he shows me none of this..so my decision stands. Then he proceeded to tell me that he's taking the day off tomorrow to go file for joint custody..and he doesn't want to give me a dime. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

He told me that it wasn't fair that I let Kaeden stay at my parents house this weekend. He said I always chose them over him. Well, guess what HONEY? My parents are THERE for Kaeden! When we didn't have any money, they helped us. They call him everyday. They worry about him. They love him. They would do ANYTHING to see him. When my mother and I weren't speaking..she STILL called to see if he was okay. THAT, my friend, is why I let my parents take him for a weekend..and not you. They're responsible, they're loving and i TRUST THEM. That's more then I can say for you.

I'm calling legal services first thing in the morning. I promised myself on Monday that I would call..and I just couldn't work up the nerve to do it. But I know I have to now. I need to stop telling myself that he will be a better man. Because it's quite obvious that he's not. I need to fight my ass off to make sure I get full custody of my boy. I will do anything and everything that I can to prove that he shouldn't be in his life. I'm sick of seeing my son hurt. I'm sick of him hurting me.

I'm no mistake. He can keep telling himself that.. But i'm not. I'm the best damn thing that happened to him and he can't stand to admit that. If i'm such a mistake, then that means Kaeden was a mistake. And I sure as hell know that there is NOTHING that man can say or do to ever have me think that my son was a mistake.

I don't want him in my life. I don't want him in my son's life. And if that means giving up child support, then so be it. I will find a way to do whatever I can for my son and I have loving friends and family that will help me get there. I'm done answering his calls and texts. I'm done thinking about him. I'm done worrying about him. I'm done making an effort. I'm DONE with him. I'm ready for this new life. I'm SO ready.

And so, I cried.

So, the other day..Kaeden and I walked to the store. A man was walking into the store at the same time as us..and Kae ran up to him and said "Dada!". Same thing happened when we were sitting at the computer the next day. He saw a man walking down the street, got excited..and yelled "Daddy!". It absolutely broke my heart. Every man he sees he thinks is his Daddy. I didn't realize he missed him that much. I didn't know that at the age of two, he realized that his Daddy wasn't around. It hurts me so much, knowing what Eric has done to this boy. And so, I cried.

I needed a weekend to myself.. so Kaeden went to my parents. They never had a sleep over with him..so they were very excited! I was too. I was excited to get out and just be ME for a minute. I keep forgetting that i'm not JUST a mother. I'm a person too and I need my time. I left my mothers house and felt good. Felt like I could do anything! Didn't have to worry about packing a diaper bag or fighting with my son in the car. When I got back to my house, after treating myself to a new dress and pair of shoes (which, might I add..were only $22 total!)I sat down on the couch to relax a little before I made plans to go out..and it hit me. I was alone. I didn't realize until then how much I needed my son. Clingy? I suppose. But he is my support. He is my strength. Without my husband.. He is all I have and I missed him. And so, I cried.

I couldn't wait to see my baby boy this morning! I woke up, got dressed quickly, did my best to remove the little hang over that I had.. and I drove as fast as the speed limit would allow. The excitement on his face when I walked through that door warmed my heart. I was overwhelmed with emotion.. Who knew that someone who's only been in my life for 2 years could have such an impact on me!

My Dad wanted to bring Kaeden to church today..and I agreed to go with them. We got there and sat up front. My dad wanted everyone to see his grandson; he was so proud. I sat there with my baby boy on my lap listening to the organ play..and then it hit me... The last time I was here.. I was marrying Eric. Memories of my Daddy walking me down the isle to the man I loved flashed through my head. I blankly stared at the very spot that we stood, holding hands, repeating our vows to each other. I listened to the voice of the Pastor and it took me back to that day : September 15th, 2007. He could see that we were in love. He supported our commitment to one another. I remembered every word at that point. I remember Pastor David hitting me with his bible because I laughed at Eric for not being able to get my wedding band on my swollen pregnant finger. I remember the music that played..and every smiling face that was in the church. My dad tapped me on my shoulder, he knew that something was wrong. He asked me if I was okay, and I said yes.. But he knew that I wasn't. He knew why I was upset. Pastor David knew it too. He saw the sadness on my face and when he said his prayer, I knew that he was thinking of me. And so, I cried.

Finally home after what seemed like a very long weekend. I felt the need to get my emotion out through this here blog today. It was hard being away from my son. It was hard sitting in that church this morning. And now that I'm writing it all out.. I can't believe i'm staying this strong. So many emotions are flowing through me because of all that's happening. I'm having such a hard time. And so, I'm crying.

Time for a Change.

I've always prided myself in being a good person. I'm polite to those who are rude. I say nice things about those who say mean things about me (usually..). I tolerate people who disrespect me.. I forgive people who do the unforgivable. Just because that is who i am. But maybe that's something i need to change about myself. Not completely.. Because i don't want to turn into one of those people that hates the world. Because if that were the case..I have every reason to hate the world lol.

I think being too nice is what got me to where i'm at now. I feel like people walk all over me. I feel like sometimes they take advantage of me..they take me for granted. I don't want to be THAT person anymore. I want to be a good person..but not allow people to think i'm a push over. I want to be RESPECTED.

I don't want to talk too much about what goes on in real life. You never know who is reading.. But, I do want to acknowledge that what happened last night is what made me come to this realization. I gave a lot to someone who didn't appreciate any of it. And normally I would just shrug it off and say "Amanda, you did the right thing." This time, I said to myself "Amanda, you ARE doing the right thing" but for a totally different reason. I offered my money, i offered my help. I offered this to someone that just wanted to use me. And then... I took it all back. Took my money back and left them to help themselves. It hurt me to do it. I contemplated running back and giving it all back. I literally had to fight myself. But i just kept saying in my head "you need to do this. you need to make it stop. you need to stand up for yourself"..and that's what i did. and let me tell you..right now, i feel DAMN good about it.

I also did something else i probably didn't need to do..but again, because i'm a good person i did. but this, i do not regret. because the person i offered my help to..accepted and appreciated it. it was a life changing move, on my part and on theirs. having someone hear me..and understand me..and TRUST me.. has made ME realize that i AM better off. because knowing that someone else saw it..made me realize I AM NOT CRAZY! this IS how this person is. and if i could stop them from getting involved in the nonsense..then i did a good job. *pat on my back*

I made a bold move. I asked to meet with her and she accepted. This is a big deal to me. and this is also a big deal for her. That's all I am going to say about that! don't want to get in any trouble..because again, you never know who is reading! and i don't want to upset anyone.

So, here's to being nice with caution!

I realize.

After spending the night crying to myself over him. My heart broken; repeating the words "I love HER" in my head. I've come to realize a few things.

1) I'm pathetic. Let's be real here. This guy left me with NOTHING. He fell in "love" with someone else before we even discussed a divorce. He doesn't see his son. What is there to hold on to? The IDEA of a marriage? It's not a marriage if there is no love. And well, he's made it very clear that he doesn't love me. And up until this point, i THOUGHT i love him. But what i really loved..wasn't him at all. Actually, i don't like who he is. I think i didn't like who he was for a very long time. I loved the idea of a family. I loved the idea of being married. I told my mom at a very young age that all i ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. And when i found "the one"..I promised i would never let it go. I tried very hard to keep that promise to myself. Never break a home apart because of silly fights. It's not worth being a single mom for. It's not worth having Kaeden grow up without one of his parents. But, today i realized.... yes, it IS worth it. and i'm breaking my promise to myself.

2) I'm incredibly bitter right now. Everyone keeps telling me that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Man, gotta love that phrase. But the truth is : he WILL have his cake and eat it to! He got what he wanted. He left. He has his freedom and he has his 'love'. ( i will forever put ' love ' in quotations..because honestly, i don't think the man knows what real love is. ) He got what he wanted. He will no longer have to wake up at 8 am on Saturdays to make sure Kaeden didn't poop all over the bed. He no longer has to stay up late and fight with a 2 year old about doing his treatments. He gets to live his free life..and then see his son. No diaper changes, no cooking his dinner, no putting him to bed ; none of those "fatherly" things. In my eyes : he is no longer his father. Just the man that birthed him (lol)..and because he is his son by blood, i must let him see him. I will be the one to do all the hard work. I will raise my son all by myself. I will make all the decisions. And him? He will just show up once a week to play a little, hug and kiss..and carry on his way.

So this leads me to my third realization. I'm the lucky one. He may have his freedom. He may no longer have any responsibilities (so to speak..). I may have to struggle and figure out a way to get this paid for, a home to live in and a way to work. But i'm still the lucky one. I get to wake up every morning to Kaeden William's beautiful smiling face. I get to watch him grow. I get to be there for every new word. I'll be there when he starts school. When he has his first girlfriend. I'll be there when he's sick and when he's sad. I'll be there for ever smile and every hug. What i've gotten out of this all..is that my son and I will have a bond like no other. And with a prize like that after a long journey? I say thank you.

Because when it comes down to it.. I didn't really lose anything but a marriage title. But i gained a relationship with my son that the world should be jealous of!

The Start of a New Life

I wanted to start a blog. Why you ask? Well, for any reason anyone else wants to start a blog. I have a lot to say..and not a whole lot of people to say it to lol. I find that if I continue to keep everything inside..or let it leak to the wrong people, i'm just going to continue being upset.

I don't want to talk a whole lot about the past from here on on. For the newbs: My husband left me. Left me and our 2 year old son with nothing. He left me and ran to the arms of another woman. A woman who he says "he loves" now; loves more than he ever loved me. Hey, that's life. But this blog isn't about him (for the most part..) this blog is about my life now. My life now as a single, CF mom. My life's new found struggles. My new heart. My new goals. My new expectations. Everything I have I want N E W. I don't want anymore cloudy days. And because of that, I say : Dear Sun, Please Shine!