life is full of signs..

Eric and I have court tomorrow. It's the custody/child support case. I've been an absolute emotional wreck the past week because of it.. I keep trying to talk to people about it but all I keep hearing is "well, you have to get it done, he needs to pay" or "you need to just get over him and get what you need done". Yeah, it's all true, but I already know all of that. All that stuff I can handle. What's out of my control is my feelings for him. Yeah, I know.. I should HATE him by now.. and a big part of me does, don't get me wrong. But the bigger part of me is so in love with him still..

I came across some old pictures of us today. From when we first met.. some from when we got married, when Kae was born.. and some of the last ones we ever took together. I also (although I know I shouldn't..) was on his FB page today and saw some new ones of him. He was gorgeous. His eyes looked bluer than ever.. his hair, in the pony tail that I always suggested. Gag, go ahead. But he'll always be the most gorgeous man I've ever known. I fought tears pretty well. Actually, too easily. It really just made me smile to see his face. And that's when it happened..

Now, you may not see the irony in this like I do. But, Eric and I haven't talked in quite a while. Once he and his "girlfriend" got tattoos for each other.. I asked him to leave Kaeden and I out of his life because it was quite obvious who was more important to him. I told him that he was either here for us 100% or he wasn't here at all. And.. that's when the texting stopped. So, just as I was getting off of his page and tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to cry.. I heard my phone go off. He had text me.

I'm a believer in 'signs'. I'm not sure what kind of sign this one.. It could have been a good one. Telling me that he was thinking of me as I was thinking of him. That I was still in the back of his mind..always. Or, (and the most likely option) it could have been a sign to just let him go. I mean, after all.. the text WAS about court tomorrow. But for the first time in a while.. I felt no anger in his words. I felt that he was scared too. That he was just as hurt as I was that this day was coming. I'm not sure what it all really means. It could be nothing but coincidence (well, I wish that's the way my brain worked).. But it meant something to me. I'm not quite sure what it was.. But it was something.

I made a bold move. Kaeden will be with my aunt, uncle and gramma tonight so I can borrow my gramma's car for tomorrow and not have to worry about dropping him off in the morning. So, the night is free for me. I have a car and I'm baby free (woohoo!). So, I asked him if he wanted to meet up. Maybe get dinner.. talk about things. I'm still waiting for a response..

Of course I can't stop crying now. But it's so many emotions. I'm scared about tomorrow. I mean, i'm REALLY scared. I don't CARE about the child support.. I just want my son. I want full custody and I pray to God that I get it. I'm also angry. I'm angry that it had to come to this. I never wanted life to be this way. I'm happy.. I'm happy that he's manning up to this and is actually going to show up. But most of all.. I'm sad. I miss him so much. I think i've made a wish on ever saw I've seen in the past 3 months. I wish and I pray that he'll wake up the next morning and realize where 'home' is. I'm sad that I have to take his son away from him. I'm sad that he changed. I'm sad that I'm alone and I'm doing all of this on my own. And i'm sad that he's no longer by my side. He honestly was my strength. I told him all the time that without him.. I was nothing. And even though I have the love of my son.. I honestly feel like nothing..

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Keep us in your thoughts. Pray for the best. Please..