life is full of signs..

Eric and I have court tomorrow. It's the custody/child support case. I've been an absolute emotional wreck the past week because of it.. I keep trying to talk to people about it but all I keep hearing is "well, you have to get it done, he needs to pay" or "you need to just get over him and get what you need done". Yeah, it's all true, but I already know all of that. All that stuff I can handle. What's out of my control is my feelings for him. Yeah, I know.. I should HATE him by now.. and a big part of me does, don't get me wrong. But the bigger part of me is so in love with him still..

I came across some old pictures of us today. From when we first met.. some from when we got married, when Kae was born.. and some of the last ones we ever took together. I also (although I know I shouldn't..) was on his FB page today and saw some new ones of him. He was gorgeous. His eyes looked bluer than ever.. his hair, in the pony tail that I always suggested. Gag, go ahead. But he'll always be the most gorgeous man I've ever known. I fought tears pretty well. Actually, too easily. It really just made me smile to see his face. And that's when it happened..

Now, you may not see the irony in this like I do. But, Eric and I haven't talked in quite a while. Once he and his "girlfriend" got tattoos for each other.. I asked him to leave Kaeden and I out of his life because it was quite obvious who was more important to him. I told him that he was either here for us 100% or he wasn't here at all. And.. that's when the texting stopped. So, just as I was getting off of his page and tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to cry.. I heard my phone go off. He had text me.

I'm a believer in 'signs'. I'm not sure what kind of sign this one.. It could have been a good one. Telling me that he was thinking of me as I was thinking of him. That I was still in the back of his mind..always. Or, (and the most likely option) it could have been a sign to just let him go. I mean, after all.. the text WAS about court tomorrow. But for the first time in a while.. I felt no anger in his words. I felt that he was scared too. That he was just as hurt as I was that this day was coming. I'm not sure what it all really means. It could be nothing but coincidence (well, I wish that's the way my brain worked).. But it meant something to me. I'm not quite sure what it was.. But it was something.

I made a bold move. Kaeden will be with my aunt, uncle and gramma tonight so I can borrow my gramma's car for tomorrow and not have to worry about dropping him off in the morning. So, the night is free for me. I have a car and I'm baby free (woohoo!). So, I asked him if he wanted to meet up. Maybe get dinner.. talk about things. I'm still waiting for a response..

Of course I can't stop crying now. But it's so many emotions. I'm scared about tomorrow. I mean, i'm REALLY scared. I don't CARE about the child support.. I just want my son. I want full custody and I pray to God that I get it. I'm also angry. I'm angry that it had to come to this. I never wanted life to be this way. I'm happy.. I'm happy that he's manning up to this and is actually going to show up. But most of all.. I'm sad. I miss him so much. I think i've made a wish on ever saw I've seen in the past 3 months. I wish and I pray that he'll wake up the next morning and realize where 'home' is. I'm sad that I have to take his son away from him. I'm sad that he changed. I'm sad that I'm alone and I'm doing all of this on my own. And i'm sad that he's no longer by my side. He honestly was my strength. I told him all the time that without him.. I was nothing. And even though I have the love of my son.. I honestly feel like nothing..

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest days of my life. Keep us in your thoughts. Pray for the best. Please..

love.

nothing has ever felt more RIGHT.. then standing there in the pouring freezing rain with you in my arms; my head on your shoulder. brushed my hair out of my face to tell me that i'm beautiful and that i will be okay.. nestled your face in my neck; arms around my waist. then you kissed my forehead and i remembered why it felt so right. i am in love.

you get what you deserve.

So, as the saying goes "You get what you deserve". Can someone please explain to me now, why I deserve this? I've really been okay with things lately. I'm moving on the best that I can. Hell, I even started talking to someone that really rocks my world ;) But as my 2nd court date comes closer.. I'm back to being upset about everything. Not about him as much as the entire situation.

He called me last week because his girl left him. He called ME because he couldn't talk to anyone else. Really? After all these years of trying to get you to open up to me.. NOW you do it? About your GIRLFRIEND? You must be insane. But that's besides the point... He also expressed to me that he realize that the people he hangs out with aren't what's best for him. Again, after all these years? He also realized that he was putting his girlfriend before his son. Not mentally, but physically..and it upset him. It's like every word that was coming out of his mouth was exactly what i'd been looking for all this time. These were the words of the man that I needed. The words of the man that I married. But that all changed..when they got back together. Now, he's back to his carefree, dickhead life style. He's back to being happy again.

Why does he deserve to be happy? He left his family. He broke his promise. He's not living up to his fatherly title. He's breaking mine and our son's heart. So, tell me.. if you get what you deserve.. then why is he happy?


You get what you deserve. Does that mean I don't deserve to be happy? I'm the strong single mother. Cleaning up all the mess that he left behind. This all hit me today.. Why do I have to be the one to deal with this court situation? I have to beg people to watch my son and let me use their car so that I can drive an hour to go clean up HIS mess. I have to go fight and cry and beg to let me stay in my home because my stupid husband left me with absolutely nothing. I have to try my hardest to hold my head high and say that I was forced to apply for welfare because I have absolutely nothing. I have to see my son hurt every time he talks to his father.. because his father doesn't want to be here with him. I deserve this?

I know everyone tells me it takes time. That in the long run.. he will get his and i will end up happier then i've ever been. But that's then. What about now? Why do I have to suffer in the mean time? What if i died tomorrow. I'd die miserable. I'd die poor.. I'd die homeless and without love (not the love of family and friends..but the love of a partner). That's NOT what i deserve. I'm just sick of all this being so unfair..and I know i've said this a million times. It seems to be the theme of all of my feelings. I don't deserve this, this is unfair. But it's true.. and I don't want to feel like this!

I find that i've been less motivated to do things lately. I know theres paper work i need to send out.. I know there's bills i need to write. I know i need to really clean my house.. and start cooking REAL dinners again. I know i need to get out and be with friends..shit, even go on a date. I know i need to get my butt back into life and out of this depression. But it's like..one step forward, 10 steps back. I can't seem to stay happy long enough to be okay with moving forward.

I just wish he got what he deserved.. and not this happy ending. I wish i got what I deserved..and not deal with this misery. It's all crap! Arg.